9 Reasons Why Bacon SUCKS
It seems like a person can’t go anywhere these days without getting assaulted with billboards, commercials, and suuuper-clever people declaring, “Mmm, bacon tastes good.” Every time I turn on the TV or drive down the street, it’s the same deal: bacon burgers, bacon pancakes, bacon doughnuts, and let’s not forget the supremely disgusting bacon milkshake (really, guys?).
Thanks in no small part to our friend Ron Swanson, people seem to be losing their shiz over bacon and forgetting one very important detail: YOU HAVE TO KILL SOME SUPER-INTELLIGENT AND SENSITIVE BEINGS IN ORDER TO GET IT.
People often accuse vegans of being outspoken, but let’s get real—meat-eaters are the ones who won’t STFU about bacon, which is why we’ve compiled our top 9 reasons why bacon SUCKS:
1) Pigs are ranked the fourth–most intelligent animal! (Just behind chimpanzees, dolphins, and elephants)
2) There is NO difference between the dog you love and a pig! Not only have pigs been shown to be smarter than dogs, they also act like them! Pigs enjoy getting stomach rubs, sunbathing, and snuggling just like our canine friends, so if you wouldn’t eat your dog, why would you eat a pig?
3) It’s cruel. Pigs on factory farms have their testicles cut out and the ends of their teeth broken off without any pain relief and are often kept in crates so small that they can’t even turn around comfortably—if at all.
4) It’s unhealthy! Bacon can be composed of more than 90 percent fat and is full of cancer-causing nitrates when it’s cooked. It’s also packed with cholesterol and saturated fat—both of which are leading causes of heart disease, aka the number one killer in this country.
This person is a model; the image is being used for illustrative purposes only.
5) It’s gross. Everyone has seen what happens to bacon fat when it cools—IT’S SOLID. Imagine what that’s doing inside your intestines. It ain’t pretty!
6) Pigs can play video games! Um, not even I can play video games.
7) It’s bad for the environment. A pig farm with 5,000 animals produces as much fecal waste as a city of 50,000 people. That’s a lot of poop to deal with, so factory farms create giant basins full of that toxic waste, which often leaks into rivers and contaminates groundwater. To get around water pollution limits, factory farms will frequently spray the tons of urine and feces that are stored in these lagoons into the air. This manure-filled mist is carried away by the wind and inhaled by the people who live nearby.
9) His life is worth more than your 20-minute breakfast.
But there’s good news, bacon addicts: There are tons of yummy animal-friendly substitutes out there! Vegan bacon will give you the same smoky and salty taste you crave without supporting cruelty. Win-win! Try Bac~Os and Lightlife bacon strips as well as adding liquid smoke and maple syrup to tempeh.
So the next time someone shoves bacon into your face, remember this: PIGS ARE FRIENDS, NOT FOOD!
Vent your bacon frustration in the comments below.