Vegans are seriously the WORST. With their almond milk lattes that taste even better than ones made with cow’s milk, their suspiciously delicious Crunchwrap Supremes from Taco Bell, their annoying AF love for dogs and cats, and their hatred of orca prisons, it’s time for vegans to STOP.
What’s the best way to get back at them? Go on Tinder or Bumble, then swipe right on their happy- and healthy-looking faces and follow these simple steps: ?
1. After you pick them up, propose going to the circus.
When you ask a vegan to go to an animal circus, all they’ll think about is the horrific abuse endured by elephants, tigers, lions, bears, and other animals used in demeaning acts.
This will make the vegan so sad that they will likely ask you to take them home and won’t want to meet up with or even talk to you again. So instead of going on a date with an annoyingly compassionate and beautiful person, you can sit at home, laughing to yourself as you scroll through Reddit and think, “Ha, I showed them!” Meanwhile, they have probably moved on and are eating a delicious vegan meal with a hot, kind date. Pfft—aren’t you glad you dodged that bullet?!
2. Take them to a restaurant with no vegan options.
Take your date out to a place like IHOP, Denny’s, or Wendy’s. Unfortunately, you’ll soon realize that vegans have some type of superpower and can find vegan food anywhere—and your date will end up ordering, like, four courses.
3. Not to worry—just order meat in front of them.
If they end up finding a bunch of super-yummy vegan food at your restaurant of choice, don’t fret. You can still annoy them by ordering a big steaming plate of animal carcass. When your corpse arrives, the key is to ask the vegan over and over again if they’re OK that meat’s on the table. (If you don’t do this, the vegan will just eat happily and ignore it as if weren’t there.) Doing this will make you look like an insecure idiot, which will turn the vegan off and make them leave. As your hot date exits the restaurant, you’ll be left alone at the table to pick up the tab. Muahahaha—got ’em!
Bonus: You’ll have “meat mouth,” so even if the vegan sticks around, they definitely won’t want to kiss you.
4. Tell the vegan that God put animals on the Earth for humans to kill them.
Do this if step number three doesn’t work. The vegan will probably go on and on, using facts from the Bible that prove that Jesus would condemn the ways that we torture and eat animals today. Pssh, whatever. Just roll your eyes at their bulletproof argument and take a bite of your dead cow.
5. Tell them that plants have feelings.
The vegan will most likely laugh in your face and tell you that even if that were true, eating meat kills more plants than eating vegan foods does. When you realize that they turned your own argument against you, you should probably just ask to go to the bathroom or something, because that dumb vegan knows their sh*t. Ugh. Vegans are the worst.
6. If all else fails, ask the vegan where they get their protein.
As you sit there eating the dead body of an animal, which has barely any nutritional value and will likely increase your chances of developing heart disease, kidney disease, and diabetes, make sure that you ask the vegan where they get their protein from. This sudden hypocritical concern for their health will make you seem ignorant, and the vegan will probably give you the “I have plans after this” spiel, leaving you alone to watch YouTube videos all night instead of having fun with a compassionate cutie. Success!
7. Take them back to your place and show off the deer head on your wall.
If you haven’t scared the vegan off yet, they must be especially open-minded and really just an overall great person to date—or they’re just used to hearing all the super-original comments that you made. Regardless, if they accept your offer to go back to your place, be sure to point out the deer head hanging on your wall. The vegan will think that you are insecure and need to kill animals to feel tough. This will turn them off, and they’ll randomly “receive a text” from their dog-sitter and claim that they need to return home ASAP. Got ’em!
8. Hook up on your down comforter.
If all the above attempts to annoy your sexy vegan date have failed and you STILL haven’t gotten rid of them, make sure that any intimate moments happen on your down comforter. Once the vegan feels that sharp and uncomfortable poke of a feather sticking out of your bed, the faces of helpless birds getting pipes shoved down their throats and possibly being plucked alive will flash before them.
They will swiftly grab their belongings and hightail it out of your place. You can now kindly thank your down comforter for giving you some free time to cut your toenails and trim your nose hairs—instead of hooking up with a kind and compassionate vegan. High-five!
9. Comment “bacon” on their social media posts.
After you’ve worked your magic and you see that the vegan has moved on to a hot new compassionate lover, don’t forget to comment “bacon” on all their social media posts. That’ll show ’em!