Have you met Hotdog before? I have. He used to hang around my neighborhood when I was younger. But he was trouble ….
He would kill animals—cows, pigs, chickens—didn’t matter what kind, and he’d mush their body parts together … intestines, guts, blood. He didn’t care. I heard he kept anuses, eyelids, and lips in a trunk at the foot of his bed.
Once (he didn’t know I was watching), but I saw him increasing people’s risk of cancer. Didn’t look like he even cared—he just rolled around laughing.
He was always hanging out with his cousin, Sausage, who inexplicably smelled like syrup all the time. The two of them would run around town flashing people their pink slime. Finally, my mom was like, “I don’t want you hanging out with that Hotdog kid anymore.”
TBH, I still thought about him every once in a while … all the good times we had hanging out at BBQs. I mean the guy was a total jerk, but he sure knew how to party.
Then I met Vegan Hotdog. He was almost identical to Hotdog—I seriously couldn’t even tell them apart—but he was beautiful on the inside, too. Instead of making me feel sick and disgusted, he made me a better person! Here he is:
Beyond Meat Brat Original
Field Roast Frankfurters
Lightlife Smart Dogs
Lightlife Smart Dogs Jumbo
Lightlife Tofu Pups
Tofurky Beer Brats
Tofurky Jumbo Hotdogs
Yves Good Dog
Yves Jumbo Veggie Dogs
Yves Veggie Dogs
Yves Veggie Tofu Dog
Honestly, it didn’t take any getting used to. I immediately liked Vegan Hotdog better—he was nearly identical to Hotdog, except he was cooler and healthier, and we shared the same values. Vegan Hotdog, you’re my best friend!
Were you the type of kid who hung out with Burger a lot growing up? Then there’s someone else I want you to meet: Vegan Burger.
