Have you met Hotdog before? I have. He used to hang around my neighborhood when I was younger. But he was trouble ….

He would kill animals—cows, pigs, chickens—didn’t matter what kind, and he’d mush their body parts together … intestines, guts, blood. He didn’t care. I heard he kept anuses, eyelids, and lips in a trunk at the foot of his bed.

Anita Krajnc / Toronto Pig Save 

Once (he didn’t know I was watching), but I saw him increasing people’s risk of cancer. Didn’t look like he even cared—he just rolled around laughing.

He was always hanging out with his cousin, Sausage, who inexplicably smelled like syrup all the time. The two of them would run around town flashing people their pink slime. Finally, my mom was like, “I don’t want you hanging out with that Hotdog kid anymore.”

TBH, I still thought about him every once in a while … all the good times we had hanging out at BBQs. I mean the guy was a total jerk, but he sure knew how to party.

Then I met Vegan Hotdog. He was almost identical to Hotdog—I seriously couldn’t even tell them apart—but he was beautiful on the inside, too. Instead of making me feel sick and disgusted, he made me a better person! Here he is:

Beyond Meat Brat Original

GET IN MY BELLY!! @beyondmeat sausage is here and it is so, so good! When everyone I talked to was blown away by how real-beef-tasting the beyond burger is, I was pleasantly surprised, but not dumbfounded. But boy, this bratwurst. I'm so blown away. I can't wait to stock my fridge with these because they are undeniably delicious. Three flavors too! I thought they only had bratwurst (which I was not sad about), but they also have spicy Italian (make more spicy please) and sweet Italian. All three are amazing! I probably ate most of the samples… I was also so happy to see all the, probably not vegan/vegetarian, people show up and try it! Gah. I just want more. Way to go. When will it be on the shelves?! #bratwurst #veganbratwurst #realfood #porksausage #veganporksausage #beyondcruelty #beyondmeat #iwantmore #beyondsausage

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Field Roast Frankfurters

Lightlife Smart Dogs

Lightlife Smart Dogs Jumbo

Lightlife Tofu Pups

Tofurky Beer Brats

Summertime… & the grillin's easy ??☀️PC: Lookin' good, @consciouschris!

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Tofurky Jumbo Hotdogs

Yves Good Dog

Yves Jumbo Veggie Dogs

Yves Veggie Dogs

Yves Veggie Tofu Dog

Honestly, it didn’t take any getting used to. I immediately liked Vegan Hotdog better—he was nearly identical to Hotdog, except he was cooler and healthier, and we shared the same values. Vegan Hotdog, you’re my best friend!

Were you the type of kid who hung out with Burger a lot growing up? Then there’s someone else I want you to meet: Vegan Burger.