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March Mad Scientists: The Fatal Four!

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Posted March 31, 2009 by Ryan Huling

As those of you who have been keeping up with your NCAA “March Madness” brackets will know, this year’s college basketball championship series is down to the final four schools, all vying for the top spot. Unfortunately, they’re all losers.

I say this because in a tragic irony, the universities that have the most talented athletes also seem to hire some of the cruelest animal abusers in the nation.

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Need proof?

At Villanova University:

Experimenters inject meth into rats’ stomachs, to determine whether the drug influences the rats’ response time in behavioral tests (gee, I wonder). As you might have seen in our “Who Cares?” video though, these kinds of pointless and cruel tests on rats and mice are still legal, since no experiment on them, no matter how painful, is against the law.

At the University of Connecticut:

Experimenters implant steel rods into rabbits, to keep them immobile during cruel experiments. They then shock the rabbits with electrodes, and measure their brainwaves, while the animals are still awake.

At the University of North Carolina:

Maria Boccia, a vivisector at UNC Chapel Hill, removes rat pups, 2 to 14 days old, from their mothers for extended periods of time to induce deep depression in the mother rats. She then places the mothers in cylinders of water from which the rats can not escape to see how quickly the rats become overcome with a sense of helplessness and stop swimming.

At Michigan State University:

Not to be outdone, our returning “champion” from last year’s “Giant Douche vs. Turd Sandwich” contest, MSU vivisector Arthur Weber has continued his “work”, removing the eyes of cats while they’re still alive. Weber attempted to justify his cruel and pointless experiments last year, stating that “The animals are completely anesthetized, receive painkillers, and once the animals come out of the anesthesia, 10 minutes later you can’t tell the difference.” Yeah, you’re probably right, Arthur. I’m sure EYES are overrated anyway. What?! And don’t forget the part where you keep them alive for a week after the operation and then kill them—I’d be willing to bet my March Madness pool money that they notice that too!

Of course, it’s not the basketball players’ fault that their schools hired such colossal creeps—animal experimentation is big business. As shown above though, no amount of money can keep animal abusers from being morally bankrupt.

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  • 2281 days ago

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]

    0

    That is so morbid! Why are we still doing animal expriments!

  • 2283 days ago

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]

    0

    So this just makes me not want to be supporting MSU….

  • 2283 days ago

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]

    0

    oh…i might be going to unc-ch next year. why do people like this have to ruin a perfectly good university?

  • 2283 days ago

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]

    0

    Yes Arthur…seeing is SO overrated. Just like breathing. Next thing (and i hate to say this because it makes me feel like s*it) he’ll be cutting their lungs out and saying that’s okay!
    NEWSFLASH: CUTTING THEIR EYES OUT IS CRUEL TOO.

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