Conditioning Shame: Pride Found in Failure

Written by peta2 Youth Advisory Board member Harper Garrison

Shame is a pervasive, unrelenting emotion, devouring the ambition to make change. And yet, it is crucial to remember that individuals do their best to operate with the limited knowledge they have. Ignorance and cognitive dissonance are common; however, they do not define a person. True character is defined through the ability to make amends when actions collide with morals.

Over a year ago, I joined the Future Farmers of America (FFA) organization through my high school. I was hesitant to join FFA because I understood the animals were seen as products rather than sentient beings, but my teachers reassured me that I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I internalized their reassurance and rented a lamb, though I knew I shouldn’t have.

I loved my lamb, Onion, and I treated her in the best ways I could. Onion was rented, meaning she would eventually be returned to her farmer to be exploited. I wish I could say I don’t recall why I joined FFA, but I wanted a deep connection with an animal and thought I could do it ethically; despite that, my beliefs no longer aligned with my actions. I judged the peers who were willing to send other animals to slaughter, yet I didn’t acknowledge my own decision to join FFA.

Months of unrest passed before I had the courage to admit that my beliefs and actions collided. Maintaining my integrity when I had already betrayed myself felt impossible, yet the realization that I could no longer tolerate Onion’s ‘fate’ pushed me to fight.

Thankfully, Onion’s story became proof that integrity can be maintained despite failure. Onion’s new fate was quickly publicized, and I read the influx of comments praising our journey, yet ignorance had humbled me. I felt I was a hypocrite among other advocates and struggled to join animal liberation spaces.

I projected my insecurities onto others and believed they saw me as a fraud, acutely aware of the purity culture within activism. Purity culture within advocacy demanded perfection from each individual. Therefore, I believed that my mistake had defined my activism and that I would no longer be an effective advocate. The pressure was suffocating.

Despite my shame, I joined activism groups, even while holding myself to harsher standards than anyone else. In school, I faced criticism for joining FFA. Former friends shamed me, believing I was incapable of change, forever defined by that choice. But I am not defined by having been in FFA. I am defined by my willpower to challenge the system I once participated in and to fight for Onion’s future.

Admittedly, my shame initially discouraged me from advocating; however, the intentional decision to persevere despite my imperfections changed everything. Growth did not come from purity, but from acceptance of fault. Character is not defined by past actions, but by how one responds when morals and mistakes collide. A past shaped by ignorance does not take away the ability to become a successful advocate for animals.

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